dear god of rock and roll are you there? it’s me anthony anyway, i really want to be famous i was wondering if maybe you could you help me out with that no way yahwey there is no god oh, i’m sorry who is this? this is the lord of the underworld oh i must have the wrong number i was trying to dial 7 well i'm afraid you dialed wrong cause you’ve reached 666 wow my mistake but hey, since i have you on the phone would you maybe consider becoming my manager? or maybe you have some advice on how to write a big hit song what do i do? all you have to do is sing about me because the best way to sell art is with controversy so let’s all worship satan together it’s just for business not for pleasure so let’s all worship satan together it makes everyone’s career so much better okay, alright i know what you’re thinking how could i ask the prince of darkness to be my manager? but look all the stories you’ve heard about satan those are just rumors you don’t even know if they’re true and if satan is really so bad then why does he have so many nicknames? where did those come from? hmm? he must have had at least a few friends oh lucifer you old devil, you let’s all worship satan together ok here's the thing even when they’re not that great people just love songs about the devil but even if this song becomes a really big hit and makes a lot of money satan will get paid most of the royalties you know, that was the deal but to hell with it i’m not even worried about anything anymore plus i already sold my soul to the devil so i could get into heaven let’s all worship satan together it’s just for right now it's not forever let’s all worship satan together when it goes out of fashion nevermind whatever

i drank so much coffee today that technically i am on cocaine i have multiple personalities but they are all exactly the same my psychic friend has short term memory loss so she remembers tomorrow like it was today yesterday i spilled mustard on my mustard colored jeans and today there’s an invisible stain oh no oh no oh no where’d it go oh no the stain appeared without a trace and that’ll never come out i know a couple of conjoined twins but i’m starting to think that they might be the same person because i’ve never even seen them in the same room together who the hell do they think they’re fooling? i'm onto you i can eat whatever i want the calories don’t count as long as i wear a disguise everybody has a birthday coming up as long as they do not die the revolution will be televised in fact you probably missed it because it wasn’t really advertised i am a pessimistic narcissist i always feel empty but i’m full of myself half the time i know i know i don’t know oh no i don’t i am perfect but not every time oh i thought the song was done i am perfect but not every time

my sister gave me her new phone number the other day but i’m pretty lazy so i just keep using the old number instead the woman who has that number now is my new sister and we talk every day luckily they’re both named stephanie so i didn’t even have to change her contact information in my phone but anyway while i was on the phone with stephanie she said that she just started doing yoga and she feels better than ever she said i should try doing it too and i never used to take advice from my old sister but this time i thought "new sister, new me" but when i tried yoga i pulled a muscle in my back it was the worst pain i’ve ever felt in my entire life so i tried to call my doctor but the number must have changed because some guy answered the phone instead i said “can you recommend something for excruciating back pain?” and he said “i think you have the wrong number” i said “listen, you’re my new doctor now and i need your help. what can i do to make my back stop hurting?” he said “i don’t know, have you tried doing yoga?” i was desperate for relief so i tried it again and this time the pain went away instantly it was incredible so i called my new sister i said “guess what? i did yoga” she said “that’s great. how do you feel?” so i thought about it and i said “actually i feel about the same as before” what a waste of time

what would you say if i asked you a rhetorical question hypothetically? and what is the meaning of life? tell me “yes or no” that was a trick question or was it? i don’t know i don’t have all the answers now how could i when i don’t even have all the questions? ironically i complain that i do not get sarcasm isn’t that just great? i wanna be a positive person but that seems so unlikely sometimes i think my mind is playing tricks on me therefore i’m always right people say that happiness is a choice but i can never make up my mind and i know i’m getting older cause now i’m old enough to remember being younger and now i reminisce about nostalgia cause it used to be better what if the good old days never happened and we just don’t remember? the future is running late this trip down memory lane is taking us forever i always hear people say money can’t buy happiness but what if i paid them off? maybe then they’d finally shut up about it and nothing would make me happier don’t bother to explain cause it’ll just go in one ear and right out the other i don’t know anything but i think therefore i am or well at least i think so i am so totally vain i probably think this song is about me even though it’s vague but enough about carly simon let’s talk about me

i used to have a plant it was a rescue when I got it, it was all sunburned but now it's dead it actually took its own life i had nothing to do with it i wasn't even home. i came back from a three week vacation, and i found it lying there lifeless i might have been able to save it, but i spent a lot of time looking up how to perform cpr on a plant apparently you're just supposed to breathe on them i did suspect foul play at first but then i found the suicide note it said, "you never take me anywhere nice anymore. i wanted to be a dancer." then i thought about the irony of a plant's suicide note being on paper then i wondered how a plant could write anything without hands so i turned the note over, and on the back it said, "dictated but not read." so i buried my dead plant in a pet cemetery a few weeks later, it rose from the grave i was so terrified, i immediately killed it before it had a chance to kill me first so now i have a fake plant but you can't even tell it looks very realistic all the leaves are wilted and brown my friend came over the other day, he said, "your plant looks like it's dead." i said, "Thanks. It was really expensive."

spotify hardly pays artists so i need a favor from you every day play this song on repeat while you sleep i repeat you will sleep you’ll play me they’ll pay me otherwise spotify will rob me blind it makes me want to scream they only pay point zero zero six six six of a cent every time you stream this song has to be at least thirty seconds or i will not be paid i’m doing pretty good on time but spotify robbed me blind

the other night i was playing solitaire with six of my best friends we were talking about how weird it is that there's no "i" in "team" but the word "solitaire" has two "i"s in it and then everyone went home so i started having a conversation with myself in the third person but i got angry because i thought i was being pretty self centered so i started arguing with myself in the first person i said, "it's always, 'me, me, me.' but what about what i want?" earlier today i was daydreaming about taking a nap because last night i had a dream that i was really exhausted so as soon as i woke up i went straight to bed i was watching a news report that said television influences people's behavior so as soon as i saw that i turned my tv right off then i set it on fire and i threw it out the window and i thought to myself "nice try. you're not going to get me" i met a woman with a lower back tattoo of an elderly woman with a lower back tattoo it just said "regret" i mean, that's what she told me it said it was written in chinese characters so i just took her word for it we dated for a while she gave me the key to her heart but then she changed the locks i think it was because i didn't understand metaphors at least that's what the locksmith told me i wish it would have worked out because her love was like a simile

i want you to die but only figuratively not literally cause you’re just dead to me i want to kill you in my dreams i sleep so soundly to your bloody screams i hope you stay alive in reality but you’re so dead inside my fantasies i am a pacifist which means I passively exist but when I lose consciousness i rule with an iron fist i want to murder you to death in my dreams i sleep so you’ll be blown to smithereens i wish you nothing but the best in reality but you see you’ll die a thousand deaths in all of my dreams in my fantasies i'm busting up both your knees

the future is now no wait ok now two weeks from today i was thinking about time travel it seems like only yesterday today was tomorrow and one day someday will be today but i don’t even know what day it is anymore because recently i was in a discount store and i saw an irregular time machine it was slightly imperfect so the price was marked down but for a limited time only i wanted to use my time machine to try to win the lottery but since this time machine was defective i could only travel to the future one second at a time so it took me forever to get there i wasn’t able go back in time to play the winning lottery numbers so instead i went to the future and tried to guess then i went to a bookie to place bets against myself i kept betting that i would lose the lottery but i guessed the numbers correctly every single time i won a fortune then i lost it all just my luck i forgot to check while i was there but i hope that in the future they invent prosthetic upper lips for people with mustaches who also want to wear disguises mustaches are like bangs for your lips

i’m bad at meeting people because i never know the appropriate things that i should say when i’m introduced like, it’s nice to meet you my mom has cancer why did i just say that? i do not know the answer, no anyway, how bout you? how do you do? that’s nice, but my mom has cancer now let’s get some food i know a place with good reviews table for two my mom has cancer a fifteen minute wait is fine and do you need my name? i’m the one whose mom has cancer i’ll have a burger my mom has cancer i’ll have some fries on the side a soda water too and what about you? she’ll have the burger too but her mother is a dancer your astrological sign is cancer what a coincidence my mom has the same birthday as you and also the other thing it's our first date did i mention my mom and her cancer? what's that? your friends got engaged? well my mom is full of cancer i think it's our last date because i just can't stand her

whenever i'm single and i miss being in a relationship i just talk to myself about things that don't interest me then i accuse myself of not listening then i go to a movie theater and i let a random person decide what movie we see and i pay for both of our tickets then when i get home i get angry about something really stupid then i slam a door and i sleep on the couch so i don't really feel like i'm missing anything it's pretty much the same my exgirlfriend used to say the cutest things like "yeah, i don't wanna renew our lease" but it was the way she said it she said something really funny the other day probably i don't know for sure because she doesn't speak to me anymore but chances are she probably said something funny at some point it's not that bad we're actually really good friends with other people i don't like to think of us as broken up i like to think we're playing the longest game of hide and seek and she's really good it's been like three years i don't know where she is

i went on a tv show it was a show that i don’t even like because i thought it might be good to be seen by seven million people but i could not have been more wrong cause simon cowell thinks i suck heidi klum said i suck the lady from modern family hates my guts howie mandel didn’t seem to like me but he didn’t hate me as much as simon did simon cowell really fucking hated me well i hate him too simon fuck you what do you even do? are you good at anything else besides being a fucking prick? simon cowell is there anyone in your life who would say you’re a real nice guy? even your wife can not pretend because she used to be married to your friend until you had sex with her in their bed i guess what i’m saying is you would not do well on a talent show whether you were judged on your ability or character you talentless piece of shit heidi klum your fame has waned your career has seen much better days lady from modern family i don’t even know your name howie mandel you were big in the 80s for putting a rubber glove on your face and blowing air into it that is the funniest thing you’ve ever done simon cowell you can go get fucked heidi klum i think you suck lady from modern family i still don’t even know your name howie mandel you can eat some shit take your rubber glove and choke on it you haven’t been remotely relevant since 1988 none of you have talent so what the hell do you know? americas got more talent than the judges on the show thank you good night

i have a friend who’s such a compulsive liar that not even this is true i like to take placebos recreationally i’m do enjoy everything in moderation but only sometimes i like to refer to real grass as artificial astroturf i’m starting a solitaire league so please do not apply i used to be addicted to having interventions but my friends and family didn’t know what to do about it no one ever said anything so i had to quit cold turkey i once said and i quote “i’m paraphrasing right now” wait was that it? well it was something along those lines anyway

spotify hardly pays artists so i need a favor from you every day play this song on repeat while you sleep i repeat you will sleep you’ll play me they’ll pay me otherwise spotify will rob me blind it makes me want to scream they only pay point zero zero six six six of a cent every time you stream this song has to be at least thirty seconds or i will not be paid i’m doing pretty good on time but spotify robbed me blind

i used to have a plant it was a rescue when i got it it was all sunburned but now it's dead it actually took its own life i had nothing to do with it i wasn't even home i came back from a three week vacation i found it lying there lifeless i might have been able to save it but i spent a lot of time looking up how to perform CPR on a plant apparently you're supposed to breathe on them i did suspect foul play at first but then i found the suicide note which was written on paper how ironic so i buried my dead plant in a pet cemetery a few weeks later it rose from the grave i was so terrified i immediately killed it before it had a chance to kill me first so now i have a fake plant but you can't even tell it looks very realistic all the leaves are wilted and brown my friend came over the other day he said "your plant looks dead" i said "thanks. it was really expensive"

dear satan are you there? it’s me, anthony anyway, it’s almost christmas and i’m still not famous i was wondering if you could do something about that ho ho ho! have you been naughty or nice? hello? wait a minute you’re not satan! who the hell is this? why, it’s your old pal santa claus oh i’m sorry. i must have the wrong number i was trying to call 666 well i’m afraid you’ve dialed wrong cause you've reached the north pole ho, ho, ho! oh my mistake. but hey since i have you on the phone would you maybe consider becoming my manager? no, no, no! OR maybe you can just tell me how to write a really big hit christmas song what do i do? all you have to do is song about me i already tried that with satan it didn’t really work let me sing with you make this a duet so let’s all worship santa this christmas and i will bring you lots and lots of presents let’s all worship santa together or i will bring you coal every december alright, here's the thing even when they're not all that great people just love songs about santa ho, ho, ho! and even if this song becomes really popular and you listen to it every year at christmas time santa is gonna get most of the credit he always does he's the guy with the presents but i don't trust santa claus he's always using fake names kris kringle saint nicholas father christmas who are you hiding from? what's your real name buddy?! let's not ask any questions this christmas ok santa claus if that is your real name maybe it’s a tax thing is that it? you’re hiding from the irs? so you made up a fake identity and that’s the name you use to run your toy manufacturing business? show us your tax returns, kris! no that can’t be it he gives the toys away for free there’s no way he turns a profit but have the elves unionized? wait a minute there's that song "i saw mommy kissing santa claus" he must be cheating on mrs. claus and he's using fake names so he doesn't get caught let’s not worship santa this christmas he’s on the naughty list for having a mistress let’s all boycott santa this christmas let’s buy our own gifts and put him out of business

what would you say if i asked you a rhetorical question hypothetically? and what is the meaning of life? tell me “yes or no” that was a trick question or was it? i don’t know i don’t have all the answers now how could i when i don’t even have all the questions? ironically i complain that i do not get sarcasm isn’t that just great? i wanna be a positive person but that seems so unlikely sometimes i think my mind is playing tricks on me therefore i’m always right people say that happiness is a choice but i can never make up my mind and i know i’m getting older cause now i’m old enough to remember being younger and now i reminisce about nostalgia cause it used to be better what if the good old days never happened and we just don’t remember? the future is running late this trip down memory lane is taking us forever i always hear people say money can’t buy happiness but what if i paid them off? maybe then they’d finally shut up about it and nothing would make me happier don’t bother to explain cause it’ll just go in one ear and right out the other i don’t know anything but i think therefore i am or well at least i think so i am so totally vain i probably think this song is about me even though it’s vague but enough about carly simon let’s talk about me

i’m bad at meeting people because i never know the appropriate things that i should say when i’m introduced like, it’s nice to meet you my mom has cancer why did i just say that? i do not know the answer, no anyway, how bout you? how do you do? that’s nice, but my mom has cancer now let’s get some food i know a place with good reviews table for two my mom has cancer a fifteen minute wait is fine and do you need my name? i’m the one whose mom has cancer i’ll have a burger my mom has cancer i’ll have some fries on the side a soda water too and what about you? she’ll have the burger too but her mother is a dancer your astrological sign is cancer what a coincidence my mom has the same birthday as you and also the other thing it's our first date did i mention my mom and her cancer? what's that? your friends got engaged? well my mom is full of cancer i think it's our last date because i just can't stand her

i drank so much coffee today that technically i am on cocaine i have multiple personalities but they are all exactly the same my psychic friend has short term memory loss so she remembers tomorrow like it was today yesterday i spilled mustard on my mustard colored jeans and today there’s an invisible stain oh no oh no oh no where’d it go oh no the stain appeared without a trace and that’ll never come out i know a couple of conjoined twins but i’m starting to think that they might be the same person because i’ve never even seen them in the same room together who the hell do they think they’re fooling? i'm onto you i can eat whatever i want the calories don’t count as long as i wear a disguise everybody has a birthday coming up as long as they do not die the revolution will be televised in fact you probably missed it because it wasn’t really advertised i am a pessimistic narcissist i always feel empty but i’m full of myself half the time i know i know i don’t know oh no i don’t i am perfect but not every time oh i thought the song was done i am perfect but not every time

and on the eighth day man created god in His image i like to go to places i've never been while wearing a disguise tragedy plus time machines equals comedy people with glass kidneys should not pass stones i'm trying to learn how to be less messy so i bought a ton of books about organization but now there's books everywhere cluttering my entire apartment recently i had a really terrifying nightmare that i was back in high school then i woke up and i realized i'm an adult now and things are actually much worse people who live life to the fullest seem so empty i collect antiques from the future i tried to send a text message that said "i'm good. how are you?" but autocorrect changed it to "life is meaningless and nothing happens after you die" what do you call an expert on connoisseurs?