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i used to have a plant
it was a rescue
when I got it, it was all sunburned
but now it's dead
it actually took its own life
i had nothing to do with it
i wasn't even home.
i came back from a three week vacation,
and i found it lying there lifeless
i might have been able to save it,
but i spent a lot of time looking up
how to perform cpr on a plant
apparently you're just supposed to breathe on them
i did suspect foul play at first
but then i found the suicide note
it said,
"you never take me anywhere nice anymore.
i wanted to be a dancer."
then i thought about the irony
of a plant's suicide note being on paper
then i wondered how a plant
could write anything without hands
so i turned the note over,
and on the back it said,
"dictated but not read."
so i buried my dead plant in a pet cemetery
a few weeks later, it rose from the grave
i was so terrified,
i immediately killed it before it had a chance
to kill me first
so now i have a fake plant
but you can't even tell
it looks very realistic
all the leaves are wilted and brown
my friend came over the other day, he said,
"your plant looks like it's dead."
i said, "Thanks. It was really expensive."
