Social Distancing Butterfly

by Anthony Kapfer

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1.
i need to wash my hands so you should wash your hands let’s all wash our hands once again before we wash our hands my hands are dry and cracking and the skin is coming off i scrubbed so hard there’s blood everywhere so you know what that means... we need to wash our hands again make sure to lather your thumbs and when our hands go numb that’s half the fun that’s how we know we’re done now i need to wash my hands again
2.
i’m a social distancing butterfly i’ve been training for this moment for all my life ever since my exit from the womb my room has become my new cocoon now i have to stay at home so no one else will die my antisocial behavior makes me your guardian and savior i wear my superhero pj’s and i make the world a safer place that’s why i wear a cape i’m just like batman but with a much smaller bat cave i’m saving all your lives by sleeping half the day my birthday should be a holiday that we celebrate with a big parade but i know i wouldn’t go but it would just be nice to know cause i’m a social distancing butterfly
3.
the whole entire world has been shut down i was in heaven on day seven of not leaving my couch but having all the time in the world soon became a living hell now i’m making deals with the devil just to leave the house the only view i have is a brick wall outside my window i tried to do a livestream with my friends but the video froze i started coming up with names for each one of my toes and all i wear is my old halloween costumes i’ve got a bad case of quarantine blues it’s just me myself and i but now three has become a crowd the voices in my head complain and talk about themselves i’ve created multiple personalities so i’d be entertained but we do not get along so now i feel betrayed i’m losing my mind cause i’m getting on my nerves but since i hate myself i think that is what i deserve murder would be suicide but i think that might improve these terrible quarantine blues plus there’s nothing else to do
4.
i finally have proof that the world is full of shit there’s no more toilet paper because the idiots are hoarding it they can stick that toilet paper where the sun don’t shine that idiom has never felt more appropriate there used to be toilet paper as far as the eye could see now when you go to the store all the shelves are empty the great toilet paper shortage of 2020 has taught us all that the world is full of filthy fucking assholes
5.
i see you standing way over there i see you looking at me but i don’t care anymore than a look would be biological warfare i wish there was another way but we need to self isolate so even though your six feet away you’re still too close to me i’m sorry dear we’re stuck in quarantine maybe by next year there will be a vaccine we can not risk it because only famous people get tested so stay there don’t you dare make a move because one plus one equals a group and now i think you’re less than six feet away so get the fuck away from me
6.
i used to play shows every night but now i’m unemployed instead cause everything has shut down to stop the spread of covid but smash mouth did a concert they ain’t the sharpest tools in the shed live performance is dead don’t you know? cause rock and roll is non essential and you can listen to smash mouth at home but that’s not something i’d recommend smash mouth is so bad if you go and see them you’ll end up dead
7.
they say that hindsight is 20/20 we’ve all had enough now i think that’s plenty cause the year 2020 is hindsight and i know that it’s true because we relived the 1918 flu and the rise of fascism from world war two and the great depression and the civil war too since we are reliving all our glory days why won’t the president take a trip to dallas in a motorcade on a november day or he could just go see a play
8.
you’re wrong if you think not wearing a mask is your god given right if god were real she’d be considerate so you should really reconsider it wear a fucking mask because your god can not save your ass so it’s god damn time for you to give science a chance
9.
New Plague 00:47
there’s a new plague that’s sweeping the nation it went worldwide without a vaccination so i spent the whole damn year in quarantine the second wave just started or is it the third well who’s counting? we’re probably stuck inside for another year at least this sucks this was the year i was supposed to make it i’m not getting any younger but i think i can fake it and that shouldn’t be too hard since i’m only seventeen pandemic birthdays i don’t think that they count we should not age and also i think that my rent should be free
10.
i forgot how to shake hands i’m sure you can’t sneeze anywhere no more but how much more can i endure? and when will the government find a cure? i have a bunch of friends who shared a plate of nachos so we might as well say adios muchachos you can wave goodbye and say sayonara cause i saw somebody cough in my carbonara will the virus wipe us all away? or will it be a hurricane? there’s a chance of acid rain california is up in flames again the future of the world depends on humans with no common sense the planet earth will be condemned remember when we thought the end of the world would be a problem for a future generation? and we did not do a single thing about it now we’re facing total annihilation
11.
i've been home all year i only go outside to walk my dog and sometimes i buy groceries and i always always wear a mask i wipe down all my groceries before i put them away and i always wash my hands at least a thousand times a day every day i don't see my friends i haven't done any shows but none of that matters because i got covid anyway probably because of some asshole who didn't want to wear a mask or someone who wore a mask with their fucking nose sticking out or someone who thinks this is all a hoax whoever you are wherever you are i just wanna say fuck you and thanks a lot for giving me a deadly disease when we were so close to having a vaccine
12.
ellen degeneres gave me covid-19 she spit in my face and then she started to scream ellen is mean

about

funny songs written about (and during) the 2020 pandemic

credits

released December 4, 2020

all songs written by Anthony Kapfer

Anthony Kapfer - vocals, guitars, drums, bass, tambourine, hand claps
Ricky Wells - bass on tracks 1, 2, 3. lead guitars on track 2
Amber Irish - backing vocals and hand claps on track 1

produced, mixed, and mastered by Anthony Kapfer
album art by Anthony Kapfer

©℗ 2020 Planet Apartment! Records
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about

Anthony Kapfer New York, New York

Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.

Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
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