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by Anthony Kapfer

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the other night i was playing solitaire
with six of my best friends
we were talking about how weird it is
that there's no "i" in "team"
but the word "solitaire" has two "i"s in it
and then everyone went home

so i started having a conversation
with myself in the third person
but i got angry because i thought i was being pretty self centered
so i started arguing with myself in the first person
i said, "it's always, 'me, me, me.'
but what about what i want?"

earlier today i was daydreaming
about taking a nap
because last night i had a dream
that i was really exhausted
so as soon as i woke up
i went straight to bed

i was watching a news report
that said television influences people's behavior
so as soon as i saw that
i turned my tv right off
then i set it on fire and i threw it out the window
and i thought to myself
"nice try. you're not going to get me"

i met a woman with a lower back tattoo
of an elderly woman with a lower back tattoo
it just said "regret"
i mean, that's what she told me it said
it was written in chinese characters
so i just took her word for it

we dated for a while
she gave me the key to her heart
but then she changed the locks
i think it was because i didn't understand metaphors
at least that's what the locksmith told me

i wish it would have worked out
because her love was like
a simile


released August 7, 2020
written and performed by Anthony Kapfer


all rights reserved



Anthony Kapfer Los Angeles, California

Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.

Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
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