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i used to have a plant
it was a rescue
when I got it, it was all sunburned

but now it's dead
it actually took its own life
i had nothing to do with it
i wasn't even home.

i came back from a three week vacation,
and i found it lying there lifeless

i might have been able to save it,
but i spent a lot of time looking up
how to perform cpr on a plant
apparently you're just supposed to breathe on them

i did suspect foul play at first
but then i found the suicide note
it said,
"you never take me anywhere nice anymore.
i wanted to be a dancer."

then i thought about the irony
of a plant's suicide note being on paper

then i wondered how a plant
could write anything without hands

so i turned the note over,
and on the back it said,
"dictated but not read."

so i buried my dead plant in a pet cemetery
a few weeks later, it rose from the grave

i was so terrified,
i immediately killed it before it had a chance
to kill me first

so now i have a fake plant
but you can't even tell
it looks very realistic
all the leaves are wilted and brown

my friend came over the other day, he said,
"your plant looks like it's dead."
i said, "Thanks. It was really expensive."


from I Can't Believe It's Not Better, released June 4, 2021
written and performed by Anthony Kapfer


all rights reserved



Anthony Kapfer New York, New York

Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.

Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
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