dear satan
are you there?
it’s me, anthony

anyway, it’s almost christmas
and i’m still not famous
i was wondering if you could
do something about that

ho ho ho!
have you been naughty or nice?

hello?
wait a minute you’re not satan!
who the hell is this?

why, it’s your old pal santa claus

oh i’m sorry. i must have the wrong number
i was trying to call 666

well i’m afraid you’ve dialed wrong
cause you've reached the north pole

ho, ho, ho!

oh my mistake. but hey since i have you on the phone
would you maybe consider becoming my manager?

no, no, no!

OR maybe you can just tell me how to write
a really big hit christmas song
what do i do?

all you have to do is song about me

i already tried that with satan
it didn’t really work

let me sing with you
make this a duet

so let’s all worship santa this christmas
and i will bring you lots and lots of presents
let’s all worship santa together
or i will bring you coal every december

alright, here's the thing
even when they're not all that great
people just love songs about santa

ho, ho, ho!

and even if this song becomes really popular
and you listen to it every year at christmas time
santa is gonna get most of the credit
he always does
he's the guy with the presents

but i don't trust santa claus
he's always using fake names
kris kringle
saint nicholas
father christmas

who are you hiding from?
what's your real name buddy?!

let's not ask any questions this christmas

ok santa claus
if that is your real name
maybe it’s a tax thing
is that it?
you’re hiding from the irs?
so you made up a fake identity
and that’s the name you use
to run your toy manufacturing business?
show us your tax returns, kris!

no that can’t be it
he gives the toys away for free
there’s no way he turns a profit

but have the elves unionized?

wait a minute
there's that song
"i saw mommy kissing santa claus"
he must be cheating on mrs. claus
and he's using fake names so he doesn't get caught

let’s not worship santa this christmas
he’s on the naughty list for having a mistress
let’s all boycott santa this christmas
let’s buy our own gifts and put him
out of business