1. |
Invisible Stain
02:48
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i drank so much coffee today
that technically i am on cocaine
i have multiple personalities
but they are all exactly the same
my psychic friend has
short term memory loss
so she remembers tomorrow
like it was today
yesterday i spilled mustard on
my mustard colored jeans
and today there’s an invisible stain
oh no oh no oh no
where’d it go oh no
the stain appeared without a trace
and that’ll never come out
i know a couple of conjoined twins
but i’m starting to think
that they might be the same person
because i’ve never even seen them in
the same room together
who the hell do they think they’re fooling?
i'm onto you
i can eat whatever i want
the calories don’t count
as long as i wear a disguise
everybody has a birthday coming up
as long as they do not die
the revolution will be televised
in fact you probably missed it
because it wasn’t really advertised
i am a pessimistic narcissist
i always feel empty
but i’m full of myself half the time
i know i know
i don’t know
oh no i don’t
i am perfect but not every time
oh i thought the song was done
i am perfect but not every time
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2. |
The Meaning Of Life
02:54
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what would you say
if i asked you a rhetorical question
hypothetically?
and what is the meaning of life?
tell me “yes or no”
that was a trick question
or was it?
i don’t know
i don’t have all the answers now
how could i
when i don’t even have all the questions?
ironically i complain that
i do not get sarcasm
isn’t that just great?
i wanna be a positive person
but that seems so unlikely
sometimes i think
my mind is playing tricks on me
therefore i’m always right
people say that happiness is a choice
but i can never make up my mind
and i know i’m getting older
cause now i’m old enough
to remember being younger
and now i reminisce about nostalgia
cause it used to be better
what if the good old days
never happened and
we just don’t remember?
the future is running late
this trip down memory lane
is taking us forever
i always hear people say
money can’t buy happiness
but what if i paid them off?
maybe then they’d finally shut up about it
and nothing would make me happier
don’t bother to explain cause
it’ll just go in one ear and right out the other
i don’t know anything
but i think therefore i am
or well at least i think so
i am so totally vain
i probably think this song is about me
even though it’s vague
but enough about carly simon
let’s talk about me
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3. |
Solitaire
04:59
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the other night i was playing solitaire
with six of my best friends
we were talking about how weird it is
that there's no "i" in "team"
but the word "solitaire" has two "i"s in it
and then everyone went home
so i started having a conversation
with myself in the third person
but i got angry because i thought i was being pretty self centered
so i started arguing with myself in the first person
i said, "it's always, 'me, me, me.'
but what about what i want?"
earlier today i was daydreaming
about taking a nap
because last night i had a dream
that i was really exhausted
so as soon as i woke up
i went straight to bed
i was watching a news report
that said television influences people's behavior
so as soon as i saw that
i turned my tv right off
then i set it on fire and i threw it out the window
and i thought to myself
"nice try. you're not going to get me"
i met a woman with a lower back tattoo
of an elderly woman with a lower back tattoo
it just said "regret"
i mean, that's what she told me it said
it was written in chinese characters
so i just took her word for it
we dated for a while
she gave me the key to her heart
but then she changed the locks
i think it was because i didn't understand metaphors
at least that's what the locksmith told me
i wish it would have worked out
because her love was like
a simile
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4. |
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i want you to die
but only figuratively
not literally
cause you’re just dead to me
i want to kill you in my dreams
i sleep so soundly to your bloody screams
i hope you stay alive in reality
but you’re so dead inside my fantasies
i am a pacifist
which means I passively exist
but when I lose consciousness
i rule with an iron fist
i want to murder you to death in my dreams
i sleep so you’ll be blown to smithereens
i wish you nothing but the best in reality
but you see
you’ll die a thousand deaths in all of my dreams
in my fantasies
i'm busting up both your knees
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Anthony Kapfer Los Angeles, California
Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They
Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.
Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
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