I Can't Believe It's Not Better
by Anthony Kapfer
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Digital Album
Streaming + DownloadIncludes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.Purchasable with gift card -
Record/Vinyl + Digital AlbumThese clear seven inch records were individually lathe cut by Meep Records. Each copy has original handmade collage artwork by Anthony Kapfer. There are only 25 copies. The record contains 4 tracks from the album, I Can't Believe It's Not Better.
Side A
Let's All Worship Satan
The Meaning Of Life
Side 1
Invisible Stain
I Want To Kill You In My Dreams
Fan Club members with a $25 per month subscription receive a copy of this record at no additional cost.
Includes unlimited streaming of I Can't Believe It's Not Better via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.ships out within 3 daysedition of 25$50 USD or more
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Record/Vinyl + Digital AlbumLimited edition clear seven inch vinyl record. This one was lathe cut by Funky Frankenstein Records in Nashville Tennessee. 50 copies were made. Subscribers to my fanclub will receive this record with one of a kind original handmade collage art by me.
This record contains four tracks from the album I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.
Side 1
A Particular Streaming Service Robbed Me Blind
Solitaire
Side A
Nice To Meet You (My Mom Has Cancer)
Sister
(The photo is showing the front and back artwork and both sides of the same record)
Includes unlimited streaming of I Can't Believe It's Not Better via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. ... moreships out within 3 days$25 USD or more
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1. |
Let's All Worship Satan
04:05
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dear god of rock and roll
are you there?
it’s me anthony
anyway, i really want to be famous
i was wondering if maybe you could you help me out with that
no way yahwey
there is no god
oh, i’m sorry who is this?
this is the lord of the underworld
oh i must have the wrong number
i was trying to dial 7
well i'm afraid you dialed wrong
cause you’ve reached 666
wow my mistake
but hey, since i have you on the phone
would you maybe consider
becoming my manager?
or maybe you have some advice
on how to write a big hit song
what do i do?
all you have to do is sing about me
because the best way to sell art is with controversy
so let’s all worship satan together
it’s just for business not for pleasure
so let’s all worship satan together
it makes everyone’s career so much better
okay, alright
i know what you’re thinking
how could i ask the prince of darkness
to be my manager?
but look all the stories you’ve heard about satan
those are just rumors
you don’t even know if they’re true
and if satan is really so bad
then why does he have so many nicknames?
where did those come from? hmm?
he must have had at least a few friends
oh lucifer you old devil, you
let’s all worship satan together
ok here's the thing
even when they’re not that great
people just love songs about the devil
but even if this song becomes a really big hit
and makes a lot of money
satan will get paid most of the royalties
you know, that was the deal
but to hell with it
i’m not even worried about anything anymore
plus i already sold my soul to the devil
so i could get into heaven
let’s all worship satan together
it’s just for right now it's not forever
let’s all worship satan together
when it goes out of fashion
nevermind whatever
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2. |
Invisible Stain
02:38
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i drank so much coffee today
that technically i am on cocaine
i have multiple personalities
but they are all exactly the same
my psychic friend has
short term memory loss
so she remembers tomorrow
like it was today
yesterday i spilled mustard on
my mustard colored jeans
and today there’s an invisible stain
oh no oh no oh no
where’d it go oh no
the stain appeared without a trace
and that’ll never come out
i know a couple of conjoined twins
but i’m starting to think
that they might be the same person
because i’ve never even seen them in
the same room together
who the hell do they think they’re fooling?
i'm onto you
i can eat whatever i want
the calories don’t count
as long as i wear a disguise
everybody has a birthday coming up
as long as they do not die
the revolution will be televised
in fact you probably missed it
because it wasn’t really advertised
i am a pessimistic narcissist
i always feel empty
but i’m full of myself half the time
i know i know
i don’t know
oh no i don’t
i am perfect but not every time
oh i thought the song was done
i am perfect but not every time
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3. |
Sister
02:52
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my sister gave me
her new phone number the other day
but i’m pretty lazy
so i just keep using the old number instead
the woman who has that number now
is my new sister
and we talk every day
luckily they’re both named stephanie
so i didn’t even have to change
her contact information in my phone
but anyway while i was
on the phone with stephanie
she said that she just started doing yoga
and she feels better than ever
she said i should try doing it too
and i never used to take advice from
my old sister but this time i thought
"new sister, new me"
but when i tried yoga
i pulled a muscle in my back
it was the worst pain i’ve ever felt
in my entire life
so i tried to call my doctor
but the number must have changed
because some guy
answered the phone instead
i said “can you recommend something
for excruciating back pain?”
and he said “i think you have the wrong number”
i said “listen, you’re my new doctor now and i need your help.
what can i do to make my back stop hurting?”
he said
“i don’t know, have you tried doing yoga?”
i was desperate for relief
so i tried it again
and this time the pain went away instantly
it was incredible
so i called my new sister
i said “guess what? i did yoga”
she said “that’s great. how do you feel?”
so i thought about it
and i said
“actually i feel about the same as before”
what a waste of time
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4. |
The Meaning Of Life
02:52
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what would you say
if i asked you a rhetorical question
hypothetically?
and what is the meaning of life?
tell me “yes or no”
that was a trick question
or was it?
i don’t know
i don’t have all the answers now
how could i
when i don’t even have all the questions?
ironically i complain that
i do not get sarcasm
isn’t that just great?
i wanna be a positive person
but that seems so unlikely
sometimes i think
my mind is playing tricks on me
therefore i’m always right
people say that happiness is a choice
but i can never make up my mind
and i know i’m getting older
cause now i’m old enough
to remember being younger
and now i reminisce about nostalgia
cause it used to be better
what if the good old days
never happened and
we just don’t remember?
the future is running late
this trip down memory lane
is taking us forever
i always hear people say
money can’t buy happiness
but what if i paid them off?
maybe then they’d finally shut up about it
and nothing would make me happier
don’t bother to explain cause
it’ll just go in one ear and right out the other
i don’t know anything
but i think therefore i am
or well at least i think so
i am so totally vain
i probably think this song is about me
even though it’s vague
but enough about carly simon
let’s talk about me
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5. |
Plant
03:41
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i used to have a plant
it was a rescue
when I got it, it was all sunburned
but now it's dead
it actually took its own life
i had nothing to do with it
i wasn't even home.
i came back from a three week vacation,
and i found it lying there lifeless
i might have been able to save it,
but i spent a lot of time looking up
how to perform cpr on a plant
apparently you're just supposed to breathe on them
i did suspect foul play at first
but then i found the suicide note
it said,
"you never take me anywhere nice anymore.
i wanted to be a dancer."
then i thought about the irony
of a plant's suicide note being on paper
then i wondered how a plant
could write anything without hands
so i turned the note over,
and on the back it said,
"dictated but not read."
so i buried my dead plant in a pet cemetery
a few weeks later, it rose from the grave
i was so terrified,
i immediately killed it before it had a chance
to kill me first
so now i have a fake plant
but you can't even tell
it looks very realistic
all the leaves are wilted and brown
my friend came over the other day, he said,
"your plant looks like it's dead."
i said, "Thanks. It was really expensive."
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6. |
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spotify hardly pays artists
so i need a favor from you every day
play this song on repeat
while you sleep
i repeat
you will sleep
you’ll play me
they’ll pay me
otherwise spotify will rob me blind
it makes me want to scream
they only pay point zero zero six six six
of a cent every time you stream
this song has to be at least thirty seconds
or i will not be paid
i’m doing pretty good on time
but spotify robbed me blind
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7. |
Solitaire
04:59
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the other night i was playing solitaire
with six of my best friends
we were talking about how weird it is
that there's no "i" in "team"
but the word "solitaire" has two "i"s in it
and then everyone went home
so i started having a conversation
with myself in the third person
but i got angry because i thought i was being pretty self centered
so i started arguing with myself in the first person
i said, "it's always, 'me, me, me.'
but what about what i want?"
earlier today i was daydreaming
about taking a nap
because last night i had a dream
that i was really exhausted
so as soon as i woke up
i went straight to bed
i was watching a news report
that said television influences people's behavior
so as soon as i saw that
i turned my tv right off
then i set it on fire and i threw it out the window
and i thought to myself
"nice try. you're not going to get me"
i met a woman with a lower back tattoo
of an elderly woman with a lower back tattoo
it just said "regret"
i mean, that's what she told me it said
it was written in chinese characters
so i just took her word for it
we dated for a while
she gave me the key to her heart
but then she changed the locks
i think it was because i didn't understand metaphors
at least that's what the locksmith told me
i wish it would have worked out
because her love was like
a simile
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8. |
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i want you to die
but only figuratively
not literally
cause you’re just dead to me
i want to kill you in my dreams
i sleep so soundly to your bloody screams
i hope you stay alive in reality
but you’re so dead inside my fantasies
i am a pacifist
which means I passively exist
but when I lose consciousness
i rule with an iron fist
i want to murder you to death in my dreams
i sleep so you’ll be blown to smithereens
i wish you nothing but the best in reality
but you see
you’ll die a thousand deaths in all of my dreams
in my fantasies
i'm busting up both your knees
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9. |
The Future Is Now
02:49
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the future is now
no wait
ok now
two weeks from today
i was thinking about time travel
it seems like only yesterday
today was tomorrow
and one day
someday will be today
but i don’t even know what day it is anymore
because recently i was in a discount store
and i saw an irregular time machine
it was slightly imperfect
so the price was marked down
but for a limited time only
i wanted to use my time machine
to try to win the lottery
but since this time machine was defective
i could only travel to the future
one second at a time
so it took me forever to get there
i wasn’t able go back in time
to play the winning lottery numbers
so instead i went to the future
and tried to guess
then i went to a bookie
to place bets against myself
i kept betting that i would lose the lottery
but i guessed the numbers correctly
every single time
i won a fortune
then i lost it all
just my luck
i forgot to check
while i was there but
i hope that in the future
they invent prosthetic upper lips
for people with mustaches
who also want to wear disguises
mustaches are like bangs
for your lips
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10. |
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i’m bad at meeting people
because i never know the appropriate things
that i should say
when i’m introduced
like, it’s nice to meet you my mom has cancer
why did i just say that?
i do not know the answer, no
anyway, how bout you?
how do you do?
that’s nice, but my mom has cancer
now let’s get some food
i know a place with good reviews
table for two my mom has cancer
a fifteen minute wait is fine
and do you need my name?
i’m the one whose mom has cancer
i’ll have a burger my mom has cancer
i’ll have some fries on the side
a soda water too
and what about you?
she’ll have the burger too
but her mother is a dancer
your astrological sign is cancer
what a coincidence
my mom has
the same birthday as you
and also the other thing
it's our first date
did i mention my mom and her cancer?
what's that?
your friends got engaged?
well my mom is full of cancer
i think it's our last date
because i just can't stand her
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11. |
Relationships
02:05
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whenever i'm single
and i miss being in a relationship
i just talk to myself
about things that don't interest me
then i accuse myself of not listening
then i go to a movie theater
and i let a random person decide
what movie we see
and i pay for both of our tickets
then when i get home
i get angry
about something really stupid
then i slam a door
and i sleep on the couch
so i don't really feel like i'm missing anything
it's pretty much the same
my exgirlfriend used to say the cutest things
like "yeah, i don't wanna renew our lease"
but it was the way she said it
she said something really funny the other day
probably
i don't know for sure
because she doesn't speak to me anymore
but chances are
she probably said something funny
at some point
it's not that bad
we're actually really good friends
with other people
i don't like to think of us as broken up
i like to think we're playing the longest game
of hide and seek
and she's really good
it's been like three years
i don't know where she is
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credits
released June 4, 2021
All songs written by Anthony Kapfer
Anthony Kapfer - vocals, guitars, bass, drums
Ricky Wells - theremin and guitar on "Let's All Worship Satan," and synths on "The Meaning of Life"
Produced by Anthony Kapfer and Amber Irish
Recorded at Planet Apartment! Studios in Denver Colorado
Mixed and mastered by Anthony Kapfer
© Planet Apartment! Records 2021
℗ Save Me From This Music (ASCAP)
All songs written by Anthony Kapfer
Anthony Kapfer - vocals, guitars, bass, drums
Ricky Wells - theremin and guitar on "Let's All Worship Satan," and synths on "The Meaning of Life"
Produced by Anthony Kapfer and Amber Irish
Recorded at Planet Apartment! Studios in Denver Colorado
Mixed and mastered by Anthony Kapfer
© Planet Apartment! Records 2021
℗ Save Me From This Music (ASCAP)
license
all rights reserved
tags
about
Anthony Kapfer Los Angeles, California
Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They
Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.
Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
... more
discography
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Oct 2023 -
Oct 2023 -
Mar 2023 -
Feb 2023