Cats Using Toilets

by Anthony Kapfer

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kaminokai
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kaminokai Gotta say, tough to choose a favorite between Hipster Jesus, Anxiety Man, I Want to have fun with you, and Love at First sight, but I'm going to have to go with your "American Pie..." LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! Favorite track: Love At First Sight.
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1.
Anxiety Man 01:18
I'm a powerful superhero My only weakness is everything My arch nemesis is human interaction That's because I am Anxiety Man My mind races faster than a speeding bullet Panic more powerful than a locomotive Able to leap to conclusions in a single bound And I don't do well in crowds I'm a hero paralyzed by fear So who's going to rescue me I need a trusty sidekick to take it from here Oh look, there he is now It's Depression Boy It looks like my work here is done
2.
I just wanna have fun with you The world is such an ugly place So let’s pay no attention to the news Ignorance is a beautiful thing Let's fall in love and ride a bicycle for two Democracy is collapsing in the USA So tonight we’re only thinkin’ 'bout you and me I wanna ignore reality with you Social media is selling all our private information And big brother's always watching you The government is controlled By evil corporations And they all wanna make a profit from you I don’t even wanna vote For the next president And i don’t wanna go to work So i can pay my rent Cause i just wanna have fun with you Climate change is melting All the polar ice caps And you look so pretty in that dress All the bees are going extinct I think I'll make you a mixtape on cassette Mass shootings are happening every day So lets go and get some matching heart tattoos A nuclear war is just days away So i just wanna have some fun Since we’re doomed
3.
The other day I did something nice for somebody And I didn't tell anyone Or brag about it So, I wrote a song about it I held the door open for you Right as you were coming out of the Burger King I never told a soul what happened on that day That makes me a hero I'm so great You did not say, "thank you" So I looked you in the eyes I said, "I hope you die choke on chicken fries Don't even try to thank me now Drop dead Good bye"
4.
I want take out But the pizza guy makes me wait But in the future Humans will be replaced And robots will work At the pizza place Pizza delivery robot At you door, but Pizza delivery robots Are pure evil to the core Technology is pretty nice But we will pay the price for Delivery robots Now I get pizza Delivered by androids But I am lonely, cause All my friends have been destroyed By pizza deliver robots Run and hide Pizza delivery robots Pepperoni right before we die They'll erase the human race In thirty minutes or less Delivery robots
5.
HOME IS WHERE THERE HEART IS Sometimes I like to stand alone in the corner because it feels like the walls are hugging me and they're loving me, as we're snuggling but now it's really bugging me as I'm struggling while wondering, "What are we becoming? Am I in love with my walls?" They say, "Home is where the heart is," so I'm looking for a one bedroom apartment, inside my chest. I can't have guests sleep on the couch, I guess, and that makes me depressed. So I got into an argument and I tore down all my walls. My heart must part with which it is connected and that's what makes me an artist. It's what makes me the smartest. I'm also modest, I promise, I'm flawless and if I'm being honest, I'm the male version of a goddess. And I talk solace in all this. I'm astonished that I am not a narcissist, even though I know it all
6.
Disappear 00:53
There's a new dance that's out of sight And you can do it in the morning You can do it late at night If you can move at the speed of light You can do it without warning You can do it out of spite Now disappear Into thin air Uh oh, where I am? Where did I go? How do I get back? Nobody knows
7.
As a boy I prayed every night I prayed that everything would be alright I prayed that one day I would find a wife And it would be so lovely As I grew up, love was a battle zone I felt like my prayers were being postponed So now I am and atheist, alone Not even god loves me So now I'm having sex with other atheists From the internet, to feel fulfilled But even people who've found god Use the internet to get a thrill And I wonder if people on Christian Mingle Say, "Bible Verse and chill"
8.
What am I doing? Oh god, this is crazy I can not believe I'm even contemplating Falling in love with anyone But right now it's like my brain has a mind of its own I wonder if you're thinking of our future together Together forever seems like such an adventure No pressure, but our wedding is next week, But whatever What should we name our kids? Cause we're having thirteen Marry me and we'll be eternally enemies Even though we got married seconds ago We never go anywhere nice anymore And I hate the way you sound when you chew your food Even though we haven't chewed food since we said our vows The honeymoon hasn't even started yet But it feels like it's already over Because ever since we tied the knot, it feels like It has been tied tightly around my throat Divorce me please And let's split our equity And never speak
9.
4000 Dollars 02:09
I've been by your side for a while And I just think you're grand There's only one thing you don't have That my ex girlfriend has Cause she took my 4000 dollars When she walked right out the door She took my 4000 dollars And she asked for 200 more If I had my money now We'd be living the good life Instead, we're eating cat food Spread on crackers with a knife She borrowed 4000 dollars When we were very much in love She had a change of heart But has thousands of dollars That she's undeserving of Before she left, she said that It would be just a loan But then she left, and it turned out It was me who was alone So can I borrow 4000 Dollars from you I know it is a lot to ask But you know I'm always true So darling can you help me out Cause I need money too And if my ex girlfriend ever pays me back I will give it all to you
10.
We are so far from where we used to be, when there was less distance, so our closeness is now few and far between It's plain to see, we're both in very different places cause I'm in Nashville you're in Ridgewood Queens I'm sorry I forgot to mention I was leaving to go on tour but I didn't think you'd notice anyway What's the big deal it's only been seventeen months since I have called or since the last time the rent was paid Now you're gone, gone, gone since you've gone, gone, gone Actually it is me who is gone cause I'm out here on the road Is our landlord angry at me I can not afford to lose the both of you, because, well for starters your name is on the lease. And the landlord never asked for a credit check or proof of income. Where will I ever find another landlord quite like Maurice? I know you can't afford my half of the rent but I promise I'll pay you back but right now the tour is going unsuccessfully The show in Cleveland never paid and in Memphis no one even came but I think I'll make the rent eventually But still you're gone, gone, gone Evicted at dawn, forced to move on. And also me, I am gone forever touring on the road
11.
Elephant shoes filled with olive juice I spilled it. I love you But you did not say it too The second that I said it all my troubles began I guess I probably should have waited for this airplane to land Now we're stuck here Up in the air, hoping for a plane crash. But then I think I thought that maybe she did not hear me, so I decided to repeat myself more clearly, so I leaned in but then she said, "Oh, I think you're nice, but please don't say it twice." But I did Elephant shoes filled with olive juice I spilled it. I love you Guess I blew it Now where are you? You had a parachute It's a good thing I have one too
12.
There is none greater in the world than true love True love is true and it fits like a glove. It's honest and deep, perhaps sent from above. True love is more pure than the whitest white dove. I knew it when I first laid eyes on she Me in a coffee shop ordering tea. She, the barista so full of glee Her name tag said, "Hello my name is Bree." "What would you like," she asked, looking ahead I said, "Your hand in marriage with you I thee wed, but if you decline which I must say I dread I'll have a green tea in a small cup instead." Bree looked displeased and she gave me a sneer. I stepped aside, trying to disappear "It was not meant to be," I said, inside my head. Well my proposal is denied, and she wishes me dead I sat with my tea and then what did I see? The most beautiful woman I had seen, since Bree. She was drinking her coffee, as black as the night. As black as my heart felt since Bree and my fight. I wonder if her name is pretty as she. I wonder if her name might somehow be Bree. For I already had a tattoo on my chest. It said, "Bree 4ever," but now I'm bereft. So if she's named Bree, that would be most convenient for me Well I sat down beside her and too my dismay she looked unhappy, as if trying to say, "Hey okay, I must convey that you can not stay with me in this cafe Nay! I say, I won't betray. I have a fiancé and he's on his way." Then in walked a man with a funny toupee. Mr. Fiancé, his name was Ray. I knew that my welcome had been overstayed. He asked me to leave or hell I would pay. With no delay he gave me a punch, and I spilled all my tea on his lady's lunch. I quickly obeyed and I stood and I said, "I'll be on my way, and good day," to the bunch. I left with a slink, and I cried cause I knew it was not meant to be with girl number two. No one, not me, not a god could foresee that I was about to meet girl number three. I opened the door to make a quick leave and an angel appeared and I felt so relieved. I held the door open for her to walk in and then I proposed, "Oh where have you been? All of my life I've waited for thee and I finally found you, now please marry me." Without even stopping, she said, "Please concede. Please do not beg and please do not plead," and then my heart sunk as I looked at her go. I could not believe my success was so low. She was the latest, the third in a row, but when feelings of woe come I go with the flow. I walked to the bus stop and when it was there. I stepped up the steps but I had not the fare. I had only one half of the regular price but the driver was pretty and witty and nice. She said, "You can step in, honey that will suffice." And I thanked her and said, "Now I'll be precise I want you to know that I've known from the start that you drive the bus, the one in my heart," and then she gave me a look and then yelled, "Take a seat!" and I did as she asked and admitted defeat. The ride it was long and I felt incomplete. I was beat, I repeat, so I made my retreat. When I got home I felt quite depressed. So I sat and I thought while I took a long rest. I thought it best to sit back and asses where I went wrong it was anyone's guess. Obsessed and distressed I've become on my quest and my poor little heart it was put to the test. So lest, I attest to invest in such zest I turned to a pest, when my love I professed. And so I digress none the less, from this stress. They say love is the best, so I feel no regrets. I am blessed more this mess, I am blessed to excess and I already can't wait to see who I'll meet next My question to you, "Do you think that it's strange finding true love in this day and age?"I seem to find love fifty times in a day. I'm a romantic. What can I say?
13.
14.
Vote Or Die 00:56
15.
16.
17.
Seven Days 00:56

credits

released March 3, 2020

all songs written and performed by
Anthony Kapfer

produced by
Anthony Kapfer and Rob Ryan

vocals, guitars, bass, drums
Anthony Kapfer

barking by
Merle

meowing by
Benny

Anxiety Man
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

I Just Wanna Have Fun With You
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

The Good Samaritan
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Pizza Delivery Robot
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Home Is Where The Heart Is
recorded at Welcome To 1979 Studios
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios

Disappear
recorded and mixed at
Planet Apartment Studios
Brooklyn, New York

Atheist, Alone
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

What Am I Doing?
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

4000 Dollars
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
mixed and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Gone, Gone, Gone
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
additional recording, mixing, and mastering
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Elephant Shoes
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
additional recording, mixing, and mastering
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Love At First Sight
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
additional recording, mixing, and mastering
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Hipster Jesus
recorded, mixed, and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Vote Or Die
recorded and mixed at
Planet Apartment Studios
Brooklyn, New York
additional recording and mixing in
Denver, Colorado

The Revolution Will Be Ignored
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
mixed and mastered at
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

Dalai Lama Sonata
recorded and mixed at
Planet Apartment Studios
Brooklyn, New York

Seven Days
recorded at Welcome To 1979
Nashville, Tennessee
engineered by Jeremy Bernstein
additional recording, mixing, and mastering
Planet Apartment Studios
Denver, Colorado

copyright 2020
Save Me From This Music (ASCAP)
Planet Apartment Records

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about

Anthony Kapfer New York, New York

Anthony Kapfer is a musician and comedian. He often performs live as a one man band. His music has been compared to They Might Be Giants mixed with The Pixies & Flight of the Conchords. Anthony spent all of 2019 on a headlining tour across the country.

Anthony Kapfer is the star of the film MUTE DATE, and appears in the films Ramekin, and Shredder, which are all recommended films on Amazon Prime
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